Lady Horus' Blog

Clashing Sides

2007-12-30T03:17:00.000-07:00

I have a lot I really want to talk about but I can't talk about it on here unfortunately. Too TMI for one thing, and too adult for all you youngins out there. You know who you are.

Course I guess I can't say that... even people who're 13 go out and do things like this these days. Some even younger than that.

I dunno. In short I guess it just feels like two sides of me are colliding with one another. The sweet innocent, reserved, somewhat "conservative" side, and the devious, rebellious, really crazy/sexual side. I used to have a character that represented my "dark side" way back when. XD

But anyway... I dunno how to say what I mean without being blunt about it.

I was raised into a Catholic family. And while practicing the faith and going to church regularly stopped for me after my parents divorced when I was 6, the things that I remember from those early years is still there. My mother would always say to me when I got older, that she's a realist about things. Meaning while she would encourage abstinence and everything like that, she wouldn't stop me if I chose not to. And for a long long time I believed in abstinence. My friends supported it too, as did my ex. And when you're around these sorts of people who have these sorts of beliefs, it is hard to talk to them about anything that might seem like a "sin". Like when I moved into the apartment I'm in now, I knew I would be entering a very Christian household.

I started losing my grip on Christianity a long time ago. A good few years ago. I started wondering and questioning a lot of things. And realizing the way I was and how there were a lot of things I didn't agree with in the faith I sort of fell away from it. I felt like I didn't want to believe God was that way. If I end up going to Hell because of it then so be it.

I see people outside of it, without the pressure of being perfect all of the time, and they're happy with their lives. They have no regrets about anything they do. They're essentially, "free" individuals.

I see that and I feel so stuck. I want to be there. I have tried to be there. But yet, I still find myself feeling guilty about it later. Regretting it later. I think about "oh shit, I did that so now God hates me."

That Catholic mindset still affects me. Aside from my mother, the people in my family who are still Catholic are very strict and old-school about it. You must be conservative, don't wear revealing clothing (meaning cover everything all the time), don't say bad words, ... ugh I dunno. I can't think of much else at the moment but... I just know that they'd never approve of me the way I have been doing things. Especially the bisexual part. I'd never be able to tell them. If I had a girlfriend someday, how would I ever explain it? So I dunno.. it's just that pressure that you have to fear God or else!!! that really scares me all the time. I've always feared not being accepted by people closest to me.

I'm just tired of being stuck in this stupid box. I want to be free of it. free of the guilt, free of regrets. I keep doing things against it and while I feel pretty damn happy about it afterward, a short while later on I really start feeling guilty. I dunno. I want to let that crazy side out but it's hard to. I've repressed it for so long it still feels wrong when I let her have fun. hahah, I sound psychotic... But seriously... everyone has that naughty fun-loving guilt-free side. A lot of people just repress it. I'm really a crazy person underneath my polite, shy skin. I'm still not sure how to balance it out.

eh I dunno... I've let her out more often now. I feel like there's nothing holding it back anymore, and no reason to hold back anymore. I wanted to give everything to my ex and yet he didn't want it. And that hurts, you know? I dunno... I wanted to give him everything. So now I feel like there's no real point in holding back now. I waited and chased him for four years. Four. I have been so used to being reserved and avoiding flirting that it's hard for me to do it now. I dunno how to be any other way it seems like. Plus I've never really hit on anyone before.

So I dunno. I know he's moved on already. And yet I still think of him sometimes. I realize now it was only because I wanted him so much that he went with me in the first place. He may have loved me but it faded quickly on his side. After he graduated high school it went downhill from there. By the last year he stopped really caring it seemed like. Hardly called me at all. We only saw each other once every month to two months. We may as well have been split up in 2005 at our two year point. Cuz after that it was pointless.

I dunno. I guess I feel stupid. I feel cheated somehow. Why did I keep going? I guess I was clingy. Very clingy... And I felt like he was the only decent guy I'd ever have chances of meeting. These days all most guys I run into seem to want is to fuck and move on. I guess I'm no better anymore but... I dunno. I still yearn for a meaningful relationship. I always imagine the perfect person as being someone who'd love me back. Someone who isn't selfish. Someone who's genuinely caring and fun to be with. I don't know why that's so hard to find. I've found it in plenty of girls but I've never met a girl who's also into girls. O_o; So that sucks. I have a terrible gaydar when it comes to girls. Guys are easy to figure out though. XD I dunno...

Well it is said that you must work on yourself first before pursuing a relationship with anyone else. And I believe that... but honestly a person is never done growing. And a person is never without some kind of problem. I guess what I need now is to build my self confidence... because the short periods I actually have it pass by too quickly. My friend Aidan tells me I'm not a bad looking chick, that I could get anything I wanted if I would just be confident that I could, and believe that I was the sexiest girl in the room at any given point. And I'm thinking... "yeah right". I don't want to be self centered. Honestly I don't think that's possible for me to do though... Obviously. If I were I'd be a really mean stuck up artist by now. lol! but seriously... I dunno. My ex told me many times that he didn't find me attractive when I thought myself attractive. The few times I did, he said he didn't like it. He wanted to feel like when he told me I was beautiful it meant something. And while I know it's completely wrong now, it's still hard for me to be confident like those times that I was. I guess he was afraid that if I thought I was hot then he'd lose me or something I dunno. I don't understand him.

What's wrong with thinking you're beautiful? Really?

eh...

I dunno.

I look at myself in the mirror and think I'm pretty sometimes. I look at my body in the mirror and think, I'm pretty. But I think I'm too thin. I have this problem with not eating enough. And I don't know why. I'm not anorexic or bilemic in any way. I just don't eat enough. I weigh about 104 lbs right now which is about 5 lbs short of being at a healthy weight for someone my size. I used to be 99lbs. I've been trying to gain weight. Is that funny? trying to gain rather than lose? I think about how just now the world is starting to also recognize people who are too thin. Like, took you guys long enough! But yeah anyway... I dunno why I don't eat enough. I find eating to be an annoying task that I have to perform in order to keep going. And also knowing I spill so much money into buying food all the time kind of annoys me. I spend like, $50 a week on groceries alone. And also when I'm working I forget to eat sometimes. I think if I had snacky type food around all the time I'd be better off.

My roommate and I have been talking about going to the fitness center we have in our complex together at some point. She and I are pretty much the same size. xD I think if I had someone to go with I'd have more motivation to do it. I always feel weird going alone. I've tried before...

But anyway where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Confidence...

I dunno. I think it will be a long time before I truly believe I'm beautiful though. I can't expect other people to show it to me.

I just need to do things that will help me feel that confidence...

Well I guess I will stop rambling. I've had a lot on my mind... seems to be an ongoing trend lately. I've also been having a hard time drawing everything these days. It's so annoying. Ever since a month ago... I think it's been the stress. I feel so powerless sometimes.

I need to watch the Secret again. That program always helps.

Well, sorry for all the rambling that went on forever.

hmm.

2007-08-19T14:41:00.000-06:00

Well. I am a mess for sure.

Kenny called me yesterday just to check in about Razi and when we could hang out or something since he was starting college again soon. Told him I wasn't sure, that I'd call her and call him back about it. I ended up leaving a message but, I figured I would go by what she told me earlier; That she'd probably see me a few days after she arrived here in CO. So I called Ken back and told him that.

Then the day went on. I kept thinking about calling him back. Telling myself that I shouldn't chase him around anymore. but I did. And we got talking and brought everything out in the open. I told him I missed him and he did miss me and we set a date up for the next day (which was yesterday, Saturday). And well, we saw each other. "Intimately" for the last time, probably. I don't know what to say. I mean. I don't regret doing it (still a virgin I promise) and I don't regret hold him and kissing him I just wish that, things would work out somehow but... I told him I wasn't about to sacrifice everything and move closer to him without the reassurance it'd be worth it. He never gave that when I talked to him. But, he had always said he didn't want to hold me back from anything either.

So I dunno. I love him a lot. I just wish sometimes that things had worked out. It wasn't that we hated each other. No. And he wasn't mad at me for that whole stupid deviantART mishap either he told me. He was just going through a hard time in his life at that time and all these people telling him he was terrible was too much negativity he felt he didn't need. And I understand... I just wish he'd told me earlier but, oh well. :shrug: But anyway as I was saying... when it really gets down to it we split up only because of distance and time. Not because we didn't care about each other.

It's like a tragic soap opera or something. Well, not really. Considering their storylines seem to always involve temptation and seduction. "Who's dating who behind who's back!?" type of thing. But at any rate, still feels like some drama you'd see on TV sometimes lol.

He did admit to me he will miss me a lot, and that he always does. I didn't know since he never said anything. I know that I'll miss him dearly but, I have to move on for myself and make it on my own. I'm scared shitless about this move. I don't think anyone realizes... I hide it rather well I guess. XD Money scares me because I know Cali is expencive as hell. I'm almost wishing I'd kept my job and gotten an apartment here but, it's too late to go back now. And I know Razi will be patient with me and supportive as long as I'm trying my best. I know I'll get work fairly easy. Probably not some $10/hour job but, at least something minimum wage. Might have to do commissions alongside it, too. I'll find a way to make it work.

And I'll need to put some money away so I could fly back for the holiday or something. I don't know if I could but I want to be able to go back home and see my folks. I'd miss them a lot especially at Christmas...

Well anyway I guess that's enough blabbing for today. I just needed to talk about all this SOMEWHERE. x3

More of this.

2007-07-29T17:03:00.000-06:00

Well. Like I mentioned on devART, I visited the Ren Fest again this weekend. I just got back from it an hour or so ago. I also talked with Kenny a bit again, too (he works there). nothing passed the general "hi's", though. I also bought a corset (more like a... bodice I suppose). Talked to Kenny about possibly doing something after he got off work, but it didn't go through since he said he probably wouldn't leave the grounds until 10pm or so... so, eh. oh well.

Seems like the only way I can cope with things is to be angry at him. I don't know why. It's hard for me to look at him and not wish things had worked out better. I figure, moving will be better. Even if he said something to me last weekend. I told him I'd come back to CO (after having moved to Cali) if he didn't go to the doctor for something and make him go. He said something like "That'd be one way to get you to come back". I didn't know what to say to that so I really didn't say anything. :shrug: I dunno. I wish I didn't still love him sometimes. It's hard for me to truly be open to anyone else when I'm still attached to him. Not that I want someone new right now... I just mean in general. Part of me wants someone else but another part wants him back. :shrug: So depressing. Not really. Just aggravating I guess. He's everything I could ever want, yet at the same time he isn't. And all the "isn'ts" are really important to me. :shrug: Which makes it hard for me to seriously think of trying again with him, at least.

At least now I know what type of person I'd want to be with, more than I did 4 years ago. Kenny was my first real boyfriend... My previous relationships, one of them lasted two weeks when I was 15. :rolls eyes:. So that one doesn't really count. The other, lasted a year, but was over the internet, which didn't work in the end either.

So. eh. I still have dreams about Kenny sometimes. The one I had last night was really weird... no other word for it. Just that we saw each other and... well. not sure I want to explain lol. I'll just say it the polite way, we were 'intimate'. >_> But I know it'd never happen now. And I'm not sure I want it to if his heart isn't in it. Like last time. Now we keep our distance that way. Still friendly and all but.. I dunno. It's hard to tell if how I feel is desire or love sometimes. Maybe both, I dunno.

Well anyway. I can't really think about him anymore in that way since I'm moving away anyhow. No point in trying to do anything if I only have less than a month until I leave. And I know for a fact he's not the chasing type so there's no chance he'd really say anything. He keeps telling me that he feels the move will be a good thing but I don't know if he really means it. I can tell he feels something else underneath that. Just too ... bottled up to say anything I guess. -sigh- drama. I hate it. >_>

Anyhow. I'm also going to miss my family. I really am. I wont be here for my sister and brother anymore, not that I really was before anyway, but, I live only seven blocks from them. Getting there isn't hard. And when we do visit it's fun and stuff. I will miss them. I honestly don't know the outcome of moving. I am extremely worried. I don't know if I'll have enough money, or if I'll find work quickly enough. The last thing I want is to have to lean on Razi. I guess it's just a matter of thinking positively about it. just have faith that I'll be okay. This opportunity showed itself for a reason, and I have to constantly remember that.

Well I'll shut up now. I just needed to ramble about stuff.

Been a while.

2007-07-20T17:42:00.000-06:00

Kinda funny how relationships are.

I've finally come to a realization that Kenny and I just wont work. So I've stopped trying. I don't know if I 'm angry at him ... I'm just disappointed.

Funny thing is my first boyfriend just started talking to me regularly again. Not really out of no where but, more than usual which took me by surprise that way guess you could say. He's always been a really nice guy. We "dated" for a year three... no, longer ago than that. When I was 16 and he was 19. Only problem with the relationship was it was based over the internet, which I've learned isn't a good way to meet and date people. Not to mention I don't ever want to have to deal with long distance relationships again considering what it's done in the past. He sort of, came onto me I guess. At least that's how I interpreted it. And part of me wants to try it again but at the same time I can't beat down that nagging feeling that it just wouldn't work. And I told him that too. Thankfully he understands. I really, only consider him a friend. Something would need to happen in order for me to think otherwise because I mean, it's been so long and we've both changed a lot. I'm not stupid (well.. as stupid) as before and neither is he lol. So eh I dunno. It was just interesting.

Seriously though, I'm not really thinking about getting into a relationship with anyone right now anyway. Four years is hard to get over. And I'm working on it. The last way I want to "get over" someone is to do something crazy with someone else.

Well anyway. Aside from the drama that is relationships... I'm going out to the CO Ren Fest this Saturday with VKahri from deviantART since she's in town right now. :D Ought to be some fun. I don't have a lot of money to spend but, I'd at least be able to get in the door and buy something to eat along the way. I can't spend money as much as I want to sometimes. lol.

I'm not sure how Kenny'll react though since I know he works up there. He and I are on talking terms right now. He seems to be doing well. Started talking to me a few days ago about these girls he has after him. :rolls eyes: I just laugh at him. He always says that anyone interested in him is either way too young (like some 15 year old) or way too old (like 35 or something). He has one girl who's 18 after him which he doesn't feel so weird about but still not crazy about either. lol. He's so funny. I don't know why he indulges me about his social life when it comes to that when he knows how I feel but, eh whatever. I hope he finds someone else who's more tolerant of him and a push over. >_>; Obviously someone like me wasn't right for him but, oh well. I really shouldn't think about it. only makes me more angry.

But yeah anyway. Ren Fest should be fun. :3

I'm still moving out to Cali, too. Have to send in my application for the apartment. And Razi should be coming out here to CO in a few weeks I imagine.

So, pretty busy overall I guess. Still not sure what to do about my computer problem... we'll see...

~ Horus

Stuffs

2007-07-02T13:33:00.000-06:00

Well. I quit my job today. Well, gave my two weeks notice anyway. >_>; I just keep missing too much work and, if I don't quit first they'll fire me. I just can't take all this overtime... I know I shouldn't complain because a lot of people do it but, it just stresses me out beyond belief.

I guess the good thing is, that I'll be learning a lot of graphic design from my Aunt Carolyn in a week or so. She's been in the field for nearly 30 years or so, and has a lot of experience. A very good idea of what it takes to make it. And she offered to help me with it and that once I've grasped what she'll be teaching me, I wont have much trouble getting a job in the art field at all. Which is a relief.

As far as moving to California, I'm a little unsure about it. There are a lot of things I need to learn and do before I move somewhere like that, and I'm afraid that two months wouldn't be long enough. I might just go out for a month and come back I dunno at this point...

Anyhow.

I suppose that's all for now. Thanks for your support everyone. <3

New Journal Location

2007-06-29T21:37:00.000-06:00

Well, this will be my journal's new location. :3

The layout I barely edited, I only made the header a bit more personalized but other than that it's one of the default themes. I don't really care enough to change it and make it crazy looking lol. It's only for housing my thoughts at any rate.

Hmm.

Well. I have a lot on my mind these days. Work is kicking my ass. Like always. I actually had a good day today though. Very very tired though. I need a day off but, don't get that until Tuesday.

Excited about moving to Cali at the end of August. SO MUCH. But at the same time I'm also nervous but, that's to be expected right? lol.

As far as my emotions go... I'm not sure. I've done a lot of thinking and I just have decided, I need to let Kenny go. It's hard. It's SO hard. But it has to be done. I can't hold onto him forever. And I know if I let myself I will. So. Time to let go.

A part of me wants to meet new people. But at the same time I still feel weird about it. I dunno. It'll take time. It's only been a month since we broke up officially anyway. And I still don't know what that was when I did see him last. That's what bothers me most I think. As much as I wanted it, I wish we hadn't been intimate because it only made splitting up that much more difficult. I was rather reserved until he broke that barrier so I thought he meant something by it and who knows- maybe he did. I believe he did... I just wish he hadn't if he had no intention of trying to make things work out. I should have stood my ground and refused him but that's incredibly hard when you want it too, and are used to being cuddly and such. :shrug:

Eh whatever.

I'll do my best to move on. I already screwed things up anyway with what went on at deviantART. I called Kenny about it and he said the notes he was speaking of he had received months ago... and I wondered why now he chose to say something about it. I wish he had told me sooner. Ah well. Can't change the past I suppose...

I have always hated how little he ever calls me. I think he's called me only once in the last month or something. I usually am the one to call him... but... eh. it's over. I just need to forgive and forget it. I'll always remember the positive things between he and I, and I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. Kenny brought great joy to my life for a long time. I can't thank him enough for that.

man this ended up long... that always happens when I talk about him though rofl!