Course I guess I can't say that... even people who're 13 go out and do things like this these days. Some even younger than that.
I dunno. In short I guess it just feels like two sides of me are colliding with one another. The sweet innocent, reserved, somewhat "conservative" side, and the devious, rebellious, really crazy/sexual side. I used to have a character that represented my "dark side" way back when. XD
But anyway... I dunno how to say what I mean without being blunt about it.
I was raised into a Catholic family. And while practicing the faith and going to church regularly stopped for me after my parents divorced when I was 6, the things that I remember from those early years is still there. My mother would always say to me when I got older, that she's a realist about things. Meaning while she would encourage abstinence and everything like that, she wouldn't stop me if I chose not to. And for a long long time I believed in abstinence. My friends supported it too, as did my ex. And when you're around these sorts of people who have these sorts of beliefs, it is hard to talk to them about anything that might seem like a "sin". Like when I moved into the apartment I'm in now, I knew I would be entering a very Christian household.
I started losing my grip on Christianity a long time ago. A good few years ago. I started wondering and questioning a lot of things. And realizing the way I was and how there were a lot of things I didn't agree with in the faith I sort of fell away from it. I felt like I didn't want to believe God was that way. If I end up going to Hell because of it then so be it.
I see people outside of it, without the pressure of being perfect all of the time, and they're happy with their lives. They have no regrets about anything they do. They're essentially, "free" individuals.
I see that and I feel so stuck. I want to be there. I have tried to be there. But yet, I still find myself feeling guilty about it later. Regretting it later. I think about "oh shit, I did that so now God hates me."
That Catholic mindset still affects me. Aside from my mother, the people in my family who are still Catholic are very strict and old-school about it. You must be conservative, don't wear revealing clothing (meaning cover everything all the time), don't say bad words, ... ugh I dunno. I can't think of much else at the moment but... I just know that they'd never approve of me the way I have been doing things. Especially the bisexual part. I'd never be able to tell them. If I had a girlfriend someday, how would I ever explain it? So I dunno.. it's just that pressure that you have to fear God or else!!! that really scares me all the time. I've always feared not being accepted by people closest to me.
I'm just tired of being stuck in this stupid box. I want to be free of it. free of the guilt, free of regrets. I keep doing things against it and while I feel pretty damn happy about it afterward, a short while later on I really start feeling guilty. I dunno. I want to let that crazy side out but it's hard to. I've repressed it for so long it still feels wrong when I let her have fun. hahah, I sound psychotic... But seriously... everyone has that naughty fun-loving guilt-free side. A lot of people just repress it. I'm really a crazy person underneath my polite, shy skin. I'm still not sure how to balance it out.
eh I dunno... I've let her out more often now. I feel like there's nothing holding it back anymore, and no reason to hold back anymore. I wanted to give everything to my ex and yet he didn't want it. And that hurts, you know? I dunno... I wanted to give him everything. So now I feel like there's no real point in holding back now. I waited and chased him for four years. Four. I have been so used to being reserved and avoiding flirting that it's hard for me to do it now. I dunno how to be any other way it seems like. Plus I've never really hit on anyone before.
So I dunno. I know he's moved on already. And yet I still think of him sometimes. I realize now it was only because I wanted him so much that he went with me in the first place. He may have loved me but it faded quickly on his side. After he graduated high school it went downhill from there. By the last year he stopped really caring it seemed like. Hardly called me at all. We only saw each other once every month to two months. We may as well have been split up in 2005 at our two year point. Cuz after that it was pointless.
I dunno. I guess I feel stupid. I feel cheated somehow. Why did I keep going? I guess I was clingy. Very clingy... And I felt like he was the only decent guy I'd ever have chances of meeting. These days all most guys I run into seem to want is to fuck and move on. I guess I'm no better anymore but... I dunno. I still yearn for a meaningful relationship. I always imagine the perfect person as being someone who'd love me back. Someone who isn't selfish. Someone who's genuinely caring and fun to be with. I don't know why that's so hard to find. I've found it in plenty of girls but I've never met a girl who's also into girls. O_o; So that sucks. I have a terrible gaydar when it comes to girls. Guys are easy to figure out though. XD I dunno...
Well it is said that you must work on yourself first before pursuing a relationship with anyone else. And I believe that... but honestly a person is never done growing. And a person is never without some kind of problem. I guess what I need now is to build my self confidence... because the short periods I actually have it pass by too quickly. My friend Aidan tells me I'm not a bad looking chick, that I could get anything I wanted if I would just be confident that I could, and believe that I was the sexiest girl in the room at any given point. And I'm thinking... "yeah right". I don't want to be self centered. Honestly I don't think that's possible for me to do though... Obviously. If I were I'd be a really mean stuck up artist by now. lol! but seriously... I dunno. My ex told me many times that he didn't find me attractive when I thought myself attractive. The few times I did, he said he didn't like it. He wanted to feel like when he told me I was beautiful it meant something. And while I know it's completely wrong now, it's still hard for me to be confident like those times that I was. I guess he was afraid that if I thought I was hot then he'd lose me or something I dunno. I don't understand him.
What's wrong with thinking you're beautiful? Really?
eh...
I dunno.
I look at myself in the mirror and think I'm pretty sometimes. I look at my body in the mirror and think, I'm pretty. But I think I'm too thin. I have this problem with not eating enough. And I don't know why. I'm not anorexic or bilemic in any way. I just don't eat enough. I weigh about 104 lbs right now which is about 5 lbs short of being at a healthy weight for someone my size. I used to be 99lbs. I've been trying to gain weight. Is that funny? trying to gain rather than lose? I think about how just now the world is starting to also recognize people who are too thin. Like, took you guys long enough! But yeah anyway... I dunno why I don't eat enough. I find eating to be an annoying task that I have to perform in order to keep going. And also knowing I spill so much money into buying food all the time kind of annoys me. I spend like, $50 a week on groceries alone. And also when I'm working I forget to eat sometimes. I think if I had snacky type food around all the time I'd be better off.
My roommate and I have been talking about going to the fitness center we have in our complex together at some point. She and I are pretty much the same size. xD I think if I had someone to go with I'd have more motivation to do it. I always feel weird going alone. I've tried before...
But anyway where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Confidence...
I dunno. I think it will be a long time before I truly believe I'm beautiful though. I can't expect other people to show it to me.
I just need to do things that will help me feel that confidence...
Well I guess I will stop rambling. I've had a lot on my mind... seems to be an ongoing trend lately. I've also been having a hard time drawing everything these days. It's so annoying. Ever since a month ago... I think it's been the stress. I feel so powerless sometimes.
I need to watch the Secret again. That program always helps.
Well, sorry for all the rambling that went on forever.
14 comments:
Awww, dear. Man you have a lot on your mind. I would have actually left the comment on your journal. But I thought this would probably be a wiser idea. lol
I don't really understand your ex. I mean, mine would constantly tell me I was pretty, especially when I felt down about myself. She'd even encourage me to say I was pretty. It's now that I have more self confidence in my appearance. I mean, no I don't think I'm pretty all the time. But I think when I apply the effort, I don't look too bad. I'm not self confident though. lol I think it's a trait a lot of us need to work on.
Wow, Marie-hun... D: I can't imagine being 104lbs. I'm probably about 165 or so. I'm sorta overweight. XD I have some extra "fat" to lose. But I'm not really focused on doing that. The main ways I seem to lose weight is through not eating and working. It's kinda interesting to see the flip side of things. You need to gain weight while I need to lose weight. I'm very certain there are more people like you out there. Not bulimic, or anorexic, but just underweight for whatever reason. Do you perhaps think your metabolism is to blame.
Also I don't blame you for thinking food is a chore as I said before. Even I feel that way. I hate having to make time for it when I can be getting something else done.
And over if you ever met a girl and she because your 'companion'. I'd advise not keeping it a secret. That can destroy a relationship. Suppression is healthy in some cases. You're an adult and you have a mind of your own. ;D
And, hey, even I feel bad sometimes. I don't really have the 'God Complex', since I never was Christian. But sometimes I do regret small things. It will take time to not care as much any more. Give yourself a long while, don't rush anything...
Anyway, I told you I was going to bed a while ago, so I'll go do that. :] Feel better hun.
I know where you're coming from...It wasn't Catholic for me, but rather Greek Orthadox (just as conservative)...As I hit my teen years I realized that none of the rules really made sense to me...I'm a free thinker...besides, the message didn't seem to fit the rules...
So I guess you can say I turned my back on that God...I've since come to think of him as the God of Order and the Devil as the God of Chaos...both are all about rules, but it just wasn't me...
I did feel guilty for a long while about it, but couldn't go back where I didn't feel I fit in...Finally, after much searching, I found my path...I won't say what I found, because it might not be yours, but I would suggest going to the library and reading as much on philosophy and religion as you can...
When you find the right path the guilt will subside...And who knows, it might be christianity, just not the same branch...Remember, no matter the faith, it is the message that's important and not the people who belong to it...
Can't help much with relationship problems though...unless you want a male perspective that seems to be heavily influenced by females...lol
You know, you probably hear this an awful lot, but I am gobsmacked by how much we have in common.
I'll just say here first that a lot of this is just talking about my own experiences, so it might not be very helpful at all : P (kindof a 'read at your own risk' thing)
I myself have been through a relationship with a guy whose feelings ended up fading away. Though I guess fortunately in my case even through his feelings faded he still tried to keep them there. One very difficult lesson I learned was how to not be clingy and smothering (though these days I probably sway too much to the other extreme).
I also empathise with the bisexual situation. Except for me, I was bisexual with a female friend. The difference was I'd always known that I found girls attractive (I am lucky to have a very unrestrictive family), whereas my friend suddenly came upon the revelation after a few years. The sad thing is, I found her attractive, where I don't think she ever even thought of viewing me as a potential partner. But I can't tell what sexuality anyone is either, and with girls I don't think I ever could, as I just find most females attractive. Apart from my friend though I don't think I've been able to bump into anyone else of my gender who was also interested in me.
And with confidence. As I said, I was raised with very few boundaries in regards to 'morality' I guess. Still, I've also had low self esteem, but I think I got to a point where I just decided that I didn't care what anyone else thought about me. This means I can wear what I want, act how I want. Sure a lot of my personality doesn't get out, but I do like trying to show bits of it in how I dress. I think maybe the way to do this is to dress how you like and go out before your worries about what people think can take hold. That way you're already out there and will probably find out that it isn't as bad as you thought.
Oh yes, and I also share the being thin thing. I just find eating to be a chore and a waste of time. I'm about 5kg under the weight I should be for my height (and have been underweight at least since I was 10). Over time after some fussing and trying to gain weight I've decided to accept myself for who I am. I'm thin, can't seem to gain weight. SO what, there are plenty of people who are slightly overweight, it's pretty much the same thing, just in opposites. Though! On the subject of the fitness centre, I have heard that building up muscle can help you gain weight. I dunno, I'm too lazy to try ^^;
And I think you should ramble as much as you like : P It is a good way to express yourself and also sort things out.
oh ffs >< I had a nice long comment typed out go to log in using LJ and then there's a problem and my comment gets deleted...thx blogger ><
anyway i'm gonna try this again...sorry if u get 2 comments from me ^^;;
My roomie has a similar problem with her weight. She eats alot, but doesn't gain weight very easily...she'd like to gain some but it's hard for her. So you're not alone ^^
I know exactly what you mean about haveing a dark and light side. I'm the same way. All shy on the outside b ut I have a darker sexier side on the inside that pretty much only my bf knows about. And i've only been comfortable showing it more to him recently, and we've been together 5 years...so it's not an overnight thing bringing the two sides together..i am trying...but i still get shy. but i figure not i'm not going to waste a day when it comes to him especially, since he joined the USMC...
as far as religion goes...i wasn't raised particuarly very religiously. We went to church afew years when i was younger, then stopped going cause i finally convinced my mom i didn't want to go. which i didn't lol. A few years later I then started looking for religion again, i read the bible, and found out it wasn't for me..then by chance, or by Fate i found wicca and paganism. That's where I am now, i'm pagan, i'm a witch (not wiccan). I'd say that alot of pagans come from a christian background, especially catholicism...and no matter how long theyve been on their current path they still have issues from time to time wondering if they've made the right choice if God, YAWEH will really smote them down or soemthing. I do too from time to time....then i realize I know my path is right for me..i know deep in my soul. I think all gods are one god or at least one energy source (like the FOrce :D), and since all ppl are different and experience things differently different gods might be suited to different ppl.
I don't think it matters what religion you are, or even if you have a religion or not. What mattesr is that your spiritual practice (or lack there of) makes you happy, like deep in your soul happy. That you ::know:: the path you are on is the right one for you. Finding it might not be easy, it will take a lot of soul searching, and maybe alot of research too (learning about other religions is never a bad thing imho), and you might loose your way from time to time, and your path might even change but along the way is where the learning takes place and in the end you will be wiser for all your struggles.
Hi. This is one of your dA watchers.
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who's been through this kind of stuff! The situation with your bf, especially. My bf and I were together for years, but our situations changed and we stopped seeing each other as much, and the romance just sort of faded away. So we're not together anymore. We're still good friends, and sometimes I miss what we had, but I believe our relationship just wasn't healthy anymore.
In the past year or so I've come into my bisexuality. I too feel like it would be better to date a girl, like women understand other women better than men do, but I don't know how to find one. Perhaps a GSA meeting....
I was raised Christian too, but in the Methodist church. I went to Sunday School and learned the songs and Bible stories, but I never "believed". Then when I was thirteen I decided I really did believe in the Christian God, but I had to believe and worship my way. My religion is very important to me, but as I define it.
Finally, I'm also underweight. I've recently had stomach problems which have caused my weight to drop even further, and it's a struggle to gain it back. I think eating extra snacks with protein in them have helped.
Thanks for sharing. It's nice to know I'm not the only one struggling. I wish you the best.
Well, first of all, I get what you're saying. I'll take this by the order in your entry, so prevent confusion.
First of all, I understand the whole conservation-religion thing. I myself do not come from a religious family. Honestly, I think I've been to church less than 100 times in my life (I've been with friends a few times before) but to be honest, I don't believe in God. I don't think I ever have. Too much of what is said in Christianity goes against my personal morals (which aren't bad or slutty. I don't believe not being baptized should send you to hell, or if you're a good person and you don't believe will send you to hell. Basically, I agree with you and I don't wanna live in fear of something I don't even know exists.). But I know the trapped feeling. I'm not sure of my sexual orientation myself. I know I like guys, having a boyfriend (which I'll go into later) and all. But I'm unsure about girls. I guess it all depends on the person for me...But that's besides the point. I have a very religious friend and parts of my family are also very religious as well. And well...I get a lot of pressure from them. I normally avoid the topic of religion altogether, but well, as I'm sure you know, it's not always avoidable. My friend just recently found out about my lack of faith, and she hasn't really talked to ME about it (my group of friends are gossip-whores. Much is secret that isn't) but I know it worries her from another of my friends. Which bothers me. Ever since, she's been trying to get me to go to her church and such...>.<"
But that isn't so much the issue as it is that she thinks my lack of faith has made me corrupt. My mother is a realist as well, and although she supports abstinence, she made mistakes as a teenager that dictate she help me if I make the choice against abstinence. My boyfriend and I have talked on the subject and we think we'll take it since I have to be on birth control anyways (I've hormone problems that birth control will help...). I don't fully understand the ex thing...I'm still in my first relationship (which is still going strong since the end of May 07) but I can try to imagine how I'd feel...and I don't like it...>.<'
And on to your weight problem. I have a friend very similar to you, but I worry about her. She's 140-145 and she rarely eats. At ALL. The problem is, her body has gone into a type of shock and she had several emotional break-downs, and still she barely ate. She does this all the time, and complains of being fat, when she's NOT.
But that's kinda the opposite of you. I wish I know your height so I could try to fully comprehend just how skinny you are...I don't really understand the eating-chore thing, but maybe that'll come with living alone? I like to eat...not all the time, but most of the time...I'm always hungry, see...I've a high metabolism so I burn it relatively fast...*is 135 and 5'4"* I'm only 15...>.<' so I still have much to life, I think...
I hope this was somehow helpful...Even though I ended up just ranting myself....>.<'
Hope everything works itself out somehow...O.o" >.<'
You know, it's interesting how things work.
Sometimes, in this relationship, I'd bother to do a little extra, like instead of bathe with my normal soap, I use this yummy delicious peppermint soap. Then I feel down when my boyfriend doesn't notice. But you know what, if I'm not making it obvious, it's not always going to be something he'll pick up on. I know a lot of times I'll plan to do something when he comes home and ... Don't do it because either he's had a bad day and I think it just won't work, or I'll just run it through in my head where it doesn't work out in some manner (like me trying to be dominant on him).
The other day, I realized that my previous relationship didn't help my self-confidence either, though I'd always thought it did. This boyfriend doesn't coddle me. My last one did. If I had a problem, he'd pretty much pet my head and say "There, there. It's okay" essentially. My current boyfriend doesn't. He'll more likely ask why I'm even bringing the topic up since I haven't seemed to think it through all the way.
All that to say that you have to have self-confidence that you give yourself. When I want to go out, I dress in my sexy corset and my boyfriend's dog collar because I think I look hot like that. I have a thing for goth and similar looks, like you. So when I want to feel sexy, I always dress like that. Since I got those new corsets, I haven't gone out once and not gotten a positive reaction about how I look.
And as far as religion goes? There's a set of morals that is pretty standard, I think. Don't kill, don't steal, don't hurt. All with exceptions, but they're pretty blanket for all religions and then everything else should be based off of personal, REASONABLE morals. ('Cause sorry, but people who flip out about homosexuality are just stupid. Ever think maybe God or whoever made homosexuality so that we'd stop reproducing 'cause the planet's full?)
What's so wrong with feeling confident enough to say that you're pretty/beautiful/whatever else you wanna put here? I mean, I've always had the issue of saying that I'm NOT pretty or beautiful for the longest time. I slowly came around upon meeting my then-boyfriend-now-hubby 4 years ago. I still say the negatives about myself, but he's right there to pick me up. You would think he'd be glad to know that you feel good about yourself. It sounds like he was insecure or something if you theorize that he was scared to lose you if you thought yourself as hot and such.
In terms of claiming to gain some weight - you want some of mine? LOL jk I can honestly say that I weigh about 230 lbs and the odd thing about it is... I dun look like it really. Like I'm chubby in the middle a bit, but that's just something I gotta work on getting rid of. But partly what's against me is my genetics (which could be a bit of your issue too), both sides of my family are a bit on the heavy side (more my mom's than my dad's I think) so its going to affect me. I just have to be smarter about handling it that's all. Another part of it is my build in general - I'm pretty hefty for a girl and I know I have some muscle to me from what I've been doing growing up. Anyways now I'm rambling lol - what I think I'm attempting and failing to say is just, despite my body type and such; I pretty much learned to accept it as it is. Acceptance of oneself, I think, goes hand in hand with confidence. Another part is just not caring what everyone else thinks LOL
Religion well.... I seem to be in the opposite of situation to you. I came from a family who really didn't go to church often if at all and now I'm slowly going to church more often than before - it was partly because my hubby went, but the more times I went, the more it changed to because I wanted to accept God and have him more in my life. Maybe not completely like how some people do it, but still. I got into conversations with my mom over why the hell I'm doing this now and such. It was a step I decided to take, but I'm still the same person I was before - very accepting of others and such. I wasn't going to condone anyone for whatever they did - it was their lives, not mine - same for one's sexuality, I'm not going to openly say what you're doing is wrong or right or whatever, its your life, I'm not one to judge and why should everyone else judge as well? If you made your mind in doing something, it shouldn't matter what people think then.
As for your sides, in due time you'll find a balance in it all. There'll be times when you can just go wild and crazy all you want and times you'll be quiet and reserved. Kinda like a switch in your mind. Just gotta find the right times for such things - like hanging out with good pals. Being yourself and being true to yourself are key things - if you feel crazy, then be as crazy as you want.
Also, granted its the holidays and all and your super stressed and such and wish you had someone to call your own and blah blah blah.... I say, take sometime for yourself. You're single now, meaning you shouldn't have to be restricted to anything or have to act in a particular way. Smile, laugh, relax (if you can) and try to have some fun once in a while (guilty-free fun! XD) Its ok to forget the stressors in your life, if you constantly think of them, it'll only bring you down in the end.
Well, I supposed that's it from me - Sorry if it makes no sense lol ^^;; Good things will come to you eventually hun, sometimes it takes longer than what you wish it would. lol
I really wish I could put you and a friend of mine in the same room together... he is Christian not Catholic.. I don't know much about Catholics.. I don't know much about most religions actually and that's fine with me.. But I believe the Catholics may be a bit too strict and probably take some of the biblical stuff way too seriously.
God will not hate you for being yourself, for dressing however you want to dress, for flirting with whoever you want to flirt with and for even engaging in sex before being married. The beauty of God is that he will forgive you for anything if you just ask him. I'm not very religious but a friend of mine has really given me some refreshing new persepectives about God and Christianity.. And I swear I bet if you two could chat you'd feel a great deal better too.
But that's wishful thinking and it wont happen.. Anyway... I know what it's like to be hard on yourself, to have repressed something for so long because of feeling or believing it was wrong... and then feeling guilty about it when you stop repressing it so much anymore.
But you know you are human. It's not wrong to be human. It's just human nature to have a sexual side, and to want to explore that side of yourself. Even if it is different from what you think most people would consider normal or acceptable. Those people you mention being happy even without God in their lives, are happy because they don't repress any part of themselves. They've accepted their fetishes, desires, needs, habbits, even if it is different or exotic, they love themselves and are confident in themselves. And you can think you are beautifull and attractive and take pleasure in feeling that way and not be self centered. Feeling beautiful and confident isn't wrong, it's not something you should feel guilty about and it doesn't make you self centered.. It's all a matter of attitude and personality, and you do not have a mean self centered type of attitude or personality. So don't deny yourself and don't tell yourself it's wrong, it's ok to be you.
Just listen to your heart, indulge in your desires and needs if you want to... If you feel it's not the right time for something or if your consciance is getting in the way then it's up to you if you need to stop or if you want to press on.
But you are human and that is ok.
From a byblical standpoint it's also sinfull but hey that's why Jesus died right?.. and God will forgive you for anything. So don't feel bad about being what you are dear.
I'm another one of your watchers on DA....
have you realized that there are a lot of different branches of christianity? i think thats because people have different personalities like for example:
i've moved a lot of times and because of that i've gone to at least 3 different churches
first, when i lived in Dominican Republic, i was a catholic and i know they are really strict and everything but there are people who like having rules to guide them... idk, i didnt have any problems with it because i have a "mirror" personality, i go with the flow, with what i'm supposed to do if i think is right
then i moved to indiana when i was 12 and my family there was adventists, they are calm and quiet when it comes to worship God, and they are not as strict as the catholics
and finally, when i moved to FL, i went to a free methodist church, they are more lively when it comes to worship and it doesnt matter if you cry if you jump or anything, also they are not concerned in what type of clothes you use, i've seen some of the girls in my church with some of their meat showing and they dont get in trouble or anything, i dress with an emo/goth style, even with black nails and they havent trown me out of the service or anything. and my pastor is a joker xD
well the thing is, like someone else said before, it doesnt matter what type of clothing you use or if you have a dark side, everyone does, God still loves you the way you are and the way he made you...
i'm going to send you a video through DA ok? is about a dance me and my friends did for 2 churches alredy... if you like it i'll send you the one we did when i get my hands on the video ⌐.⌐ i'm still waiting for my cousin to give me the vid.
about the problem with your bf, well if you havent found any decent boy then just dont give up, it will come one day + you are still young, you should concentrate in what you truly love to do (my mom got married at like 40 +/-). and pray, it worked for one of the women i know xD
104? oh snap, wanna switch? xD i'm 135. my mom said to eat a lot of pasta, like spagetti (i probably spellt it wrong, like most of the words here), bread, pizza that kind of stuff ^^ bless you
It's not weird to want to gain weight. More flesh on a body like yours would really help bring out the curves in the right places. It's really okay to be still affected by your conservative side too, because conservative can be sexy too. ;]
I can't help but think Kenny was scared that you'd realize how beautiful you were, and that you'd be attractive to so many other people. You are quite attractive, dear, and i hope you'll be able to bring out that beauty just sleeping under your skin.
And as for the bisexual bit, we Filipinos are known to be more conservative than most. I have a girlfriend who I've been with for nearly 4 years now and my family has more or less noticed that we're an item. There were some issues (mostly about misunderstanding intentions) but my family has had no other choice but to accept. My girlfriend's family doesn't know, of course, but from the looks of things, some families will have to accept it because essentially you are the same person they raised. Just because you're bisexual, or gay, doesn't make you a different person, mmm?
A Biblical response to the question people often ask… “How can you consider yourself a Christian when you are also gay?” (http://www.findbiover.com)
Eight premises:
1. Most people have not arefully and prayerfully researched the Biblical texts used by some people to condemn God’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender children.
2. Historically, people’s misinterpretation of the Bible has left a trail of suffering, bloodshed, and death.
3. We should be open to new truth from Scripture. Even heroes of the Christian faith have changed their minds about the meaning of various Biblical texts.
4. The Bible is a book about God. The Bible is not a book about human sexuality.
5. We miss what these passages say about God when we spend so much time debating what they say about sex.
6. The Biblical authors are silent about homosexual orientation as we know it today. They neither approve it nor condemn it.
7. The prophets, Jesus, and the Biblical authors say nothing about homosexual orientation as we understand it today. But, they are clear about this one thing. As we search for truth, we are to “Love one another.”
8. Whatever some people believe the Bible seems to say about homosexuality, they must not use that belief to deny homosexuals their basic civil rights. To discriminate against sexual or gender minorities is unjust and un-American.
Wow. I really don't understand that about your ex. I've always had the opposite for that one. My exbf would always compliment me and tell me I was beautiful, while I would constantly bash myself. I had the same thing happen though. He graduated the year before I did, but I ended up moving away from IL to NC and he got cocky and really egotistic and it just went to pot from there. Although I still talk to him sometimes we're ok friends. It's going to take growing up on your ex's part though. He sounds like he's not done growing up, still kinda full of himself there or something. I dunno.
Being underweight? wow. hrm. that exercising thing you mentioned would help alot. Sure it's a workout, but you'd become hellatoned and muscle weighs more than fat so you'd end up looking like still do, only you'd weigh dang near 10-15 lb more at least. You comment on KH and other games in your DA journal a lot. Have you ever tried DDR? I know everyone's hype about it has made it rather cheesy, but it's a great start in either direction losing and gaining.
anywho....uhm.
I myself am bisexual and have a girlfriend. She's my first girlfriend though, and I met her through my cousin so as far as the dating scene in public.....I have no clue. I've only dated my current girlfriend and my exboyfriend...whom I also met through friends. If any of your friends are "supportive"/"don't care" about the bisexuality at all and are open to it, or even know other people who are bisexual/etc, that would be a great hookup. And about the family......I had the same problem. My family didn't find out about me being bi and even having a girlfriend until 6 months after her and I started dating. And we've been dating a year, and people are still finding out. You'll be surprised at how many will still give you their full support even if they themselves don't approve. I had the same fear, and almost threw up in front of my dad when I told him, because I live with him and have to see him every day, and he's like "big-time" christian. He just told me "I don't approve of it, and I wish you two would choose differently, but if that's what makes you happy, you're an adult and I can't stop you."
I say just go for it. Do what makes you happy. And if you feel guilty about it, move on from it, or just work with it until you find something you're comfortable with.
I dunno if I was any help on any of this at all. But I wish you all the luck and best wishes. AND a Happy New Year as well hun.
Where to start...
First of, what the hell was your ex thinking. I don't know you half as long as he does and I know better.
Your a wonderfull person, you really are even though you have loads of issues to go through.
Now as for faith, it is what you want it to be. Personally I don't believe in God. Reasons enough for me not to, and if he does exsist... There plenty of people with different faiths so he would have to judge me as an equal. So don't worry about your "sins" or "mistakes" you do them to learn from them. May they be good or bad. Don't feel guilty about it either, guilt never helped out anyone (except for murderers, but I don't think you are one).
I've noticed for a while now that you lack a lot of self-confidence. I understand why (specially with your background) and love to help you in any way possible.
Take it from me, your good looking but you need to believe in it before others see it. Till I was 16 I never thought I was good looking, not till I met Krizz did things turn for me. Now I notice that boys are flirting with me and actually am amused when telling them I'm not interested.
You will find someone, be patient and work on your confidence. For example make yourself pretty more often and keep your eyes open. If you smile and keep your head high there will be a lot of heads that will turn.
I know there are plenty of people out there that will be interested!
As for your weight, I share the same thing. I actually forced myself to gain weight and can proudly say I have some belly now!
For me it's my chocolate and candy in combination with dark bread addiction that did the trick haha.
Anyways if you need to talk you know where to find me!
Love,
Ra
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